Is This Thing On?

I don't know if I am back yet, but I am poking around. Is anybody out there?

I Fucking Quit.

I give up on all Americans.

POWNED! Oh Oprah..

When it comes to pop-culture, I can get a tad behind the times. I get caught up with the trivial details of the mundane... my job and family... mortgage.....death.... I know it's stupid. Who cares about that boring shit when Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab?

Due to my lack of attention to today's celebrities and the very important goings on in their lives, I had no idea that mammoth media mogul, OPRAH, was continuing her quest for world domination by launching her own TV channel! (I almost typed show! I'm so silly!) I made this discovery by cruising the channels, trying to find my favorite show, "I'm Pregnant and...."
You can fill in the rest:
"I'm Pregnant and I'm in prison..... Addicted to Meth....Anorexic.....Unbearably Pedantic."
You get the gist.

I was saddened when my voyeuristic quest for abnormal pregancies became an exercise in futility. However, I was quite flabbergasted when I found the OWN channel. OWN? What does this mean? A shopping network? An internet practical joke channel? What could it be?

Fool! OWN is the Oprah Winfrey Network. NETWORK!I thought Oprah was retiring from TV? I guess in Oprahland, retiring means TAKING THE BITCH OVER. Silly rabbit, talk shows are for lesbians.

Since I have a soft spot for trash TV, I thought I would delve further into the purpose of OWN and whether or not I would watch broadcasts from the Empress herself. Upon watching a few shows and light research (pressing the info button on my remote, I work too hard), below are my thoughts on the OWN network.


-If OWN was an animate object, it would be a female reproductive system is the midst of menstruation.

-It would not be an Oprah production with out heavy emphasis on the Trinity of Douche: Orman, Oz and McGraw.

-Gail King is living proof nepotism is lucrative, not that we needed more. However, Gail breaks the Brat Barrier and proves you can depend on your BFF to give you your own show. WTF is GAIL going to talk about? Oprah? Because, that topic really needs some more coverage. What Oprah likes? Because the public surely has no clue? Maybe she can talk about Oprah and food? There's a topic that hasn't been covered. From BFFs to lovers?

-Oh goody, a bevy of chick-flicks! Because I really need to see the edited for TV version of Officer and a Gentleman, again. Lifetime, ye not know a woman's heart like the Oprah. Give up.

-Oprah presents "MASTER CLASS". Heavy emphasis on "Master" and as always, you, the viewer, are doing "it" wrong. "It" is life, and you are no Jay-Z, my friend.

In the spirit of Wal-Mart, OPRAH has destroyed the need for multiple cable channels by bringing the viewer a one-stop, one shop place for viewing.
Trying to recreate an authentic Japanese meal from Nobu on a shoe string budget? OWN has just what you need!
Have you been wondering just what makes Lisa Ling tick? LOOK NO FURTHER! OPRAH has the answer!
Need to get your groove back in the boudoir? OPRAH WILL RETEACH YOU!
Because, just like everything else, when it comes to fucking, you're doing it wrong!

What would the world do without Oprah and her infinite wisdom? We'd be financially destitute, eating Franco American canned foods, scooting our butts across the floor for a thrill while wondering why our parents didn't love us enough; not to mention hoarding toilet paper and dead cats in our garage.

Oprah, I propose that we as a society, embark on a crazy experiment where the "average American woman" is allowed to carry on in existence without your influence. I think "she" can do it. I think she is clever enough to make heads and tails of this big bad world without having to be constantly reminded that she is not feeling enough, living enough, or doing it "right", if she is not hanging on to your every move.

Oprah, it's been a good run. It's time to pasture.

A List of Reasons to Excuse My Lack of Attention to My Blog.

1. Meh.

2. The snark, it tires me.

3. Also, the blogosphere is riddled with assholes doing and tweeting stupid shit ALL OF THE TIME. It's becoming boring and I despise boredom.

4. Opening a business is very time consuming. My free time is spent scooping the cat box and catching up with my Real Housewives bitches from the ATL.

5. I'm suffering for my art.

6. Nobody reads this blog, anyways.

7. I've been really consumed with baking pumpkin bread.

8. People started "n'at"-ing all over the place and it can has I a sad. (ugh, I can barely type that without wanting to bang my head on something very, very hard.)

9. I've been pretty busy outing all of my compatriots at my local AA meeting via I-Phone.

10. Despite what other people say, it is not as easy to get free shit off of this here Internet. Since I still haven't gotten a new washer or flat screen TV, I'm losing interest. In all of you.

Also? I'm writing a book. Stay tuned.

THEME SONG FRIDAY!

Last night, I kicked off the Holiday season with one of my most favorite things ever: It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown!

The kids were not interested, as the time of the showing coincided with "Adventure Time" (please), so I got to watch it snuggled up with my kitties and dog, on my bed, all by myself. BLISS.

Happy Halloweener! What's your song?

THEME SONG FRIDAY!

Listless Mondays: A List of "No-Nos" to Avoid Before Bed.

Last night, I slept through the entire night. Sounds great, doesn't it? It wasn't. It was weird, uncomfortable, anxiety inducing and not restful due to all of the fucked up dreams I was experiencing. In retrospect, there were a few things I could have done to prevent the mess my subconscious bestowed upon me.

-Don't eat garlic before bed. I know, this should be a given, but the Little Honey is traveling and I was hungry mungry.

-Don't fall asleep with Catch a Predator Dateline NBC on the telly. The last place I need Chris Hansen hanging around, waiting to bust someone, is where Bradley Cooper hangs out in my subconscious as my "dude in waiting" for nighttime, fun-time.

-Kick the cat out of the bedroom. I woke up with a face full of hair, while being swatted in the head, in what appeared to be an epic battle for pillow control.

-Don't watch Sister Wives. Ever. That man is an epic toolbag and even though I know that dreams are not real, I would rather have dreams about Freddy Krueger using my spine as a toothpick, than being married off to that bag of douche and his posse of house fraus. His name is "Cody" for chrissakes...... Another reason to never name a poor, innocent child "CODY". Look what happens when they grow up! Nothing but a shame.


I know this list isn't long, but in my own opinion, it is filled with critical and valuable information to insure a splendid night's sleep.

You're welcome.