POWNED! Oh Oprah..

When it comes to pop-culture, I can get a tad behind the times. I get caught up with the trivial details of the mundane... my job and family... mortgage.....death.... I know it's stupid. Who cares about that boring shit when Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab?

Due to my lack of attention to today's celebrities and the very important goings on in their lives, I had no idea that mammoth media mogul, OPRAH, was continuing her quest for world domination by launching her own TV channel! (I almost typed show! I'm so silly!) I made this discovery by cruising the channels, trying to find my favorite show, "I'm Pregnant and...."
You can fill in the rest:
"I'm Pregnant and I'm in prison..... Addicted to Meth....Anorexic.....Unbearably Pedantic."
You get the gist.

I was saddened when my voyeuristic quest for abnormal pregancies became an exercise in futility. However, I was quite flabbergasted when I found the OWN channel. OWN? What does this mean? A shopping network? An internet practical joke channel? What could it be?

Fool! OWN is the Oprah Winfrey Network. NETWORK!I thought Oprah was retiring from TV? I guess in Oprahland, retiring means TAKING THE BITCH OVER. Silly rabbit, talk shows are for lesbians.

Since I have a soft spot for trash TV, I thought I would delve further into the purpose of OWN and whether or not I would watch broadcasts from the Empress herself. Upon watching a few shows and light research (pressing the info button on my remote, I work too hard), below are my thoughts on the OWN network.


-If OWN was an animate object, it would be a female reproductive system is the midst of menstruation.

-It would not be an Oprah production with out heavy emphasis on the Trinity of Douche: Orman, Oz and McGraw.

-Gail King is living proof nepotism is lucrative, not that we needed more. However, Gail breaks the Brat Barrier and proves you can depend on your BFF to give you your own show. WTF is GAIL going to talk about? Oprah? Because, that topic really needs some more coverage. What Oprah likes? Because the public surely has no clue? Maybe she can talk about Oprah and food? There's a topic that hasn't been covered. From BFFs to lovers?

-Oh goody, a bevy of chick-flicks! Because I really need to see the edited for TV version of Officer and a Gentleman, again. Lifetime, ye not know a woman's heart like the Oprah. Give up.

-Oprah presents "MASTER CLASS". Heavy emphasis on "Master" and as always, you, the viewer, are doing "it" wrong. "It" is life, and you are no Jay-Z, my friend.

In the spirit of Wal-Mart, OPRAH has destroyed the need for multiple cable channels by bringing the viewer a one-stop, one shop place for viewing.
Trying to recreate an authentic Japanese meal from Nobu on a shoe string budget? OWN has just what you need!
Have you been wondering just what makes Lisa Ling tick? LOOK NO FURTHER! OPRAH has the answer!
Need to get your groove back in the boudoir? OPRAH WILL RETEACH YOU!
Because, just like everything else, when it comes to fucking, you're doing it wrong!

What would the world do without Oprah and her infinite wisdom? We'd be financially destitute, eating Franco American canned foods, scooting our butts across the floor for a thrill while wondering why our parents didn't love us enough; not to mention hoarding toilet paper and dead cats in our garage.

Oprah, I propose that we as a society, embark on a crazy experiment where the "average American woman" is allowed to carry on in existence without your influence. I think "she" can do it. I think she is clever enough to make heads and tails of this big bad world without having to be constantly reminded that she is not feeling enough, living enough, or doing it "right", if she is not hanging on to your every move.

Oprah, it's been a good run. It's time to pasture.

A List of Reasons to Excuse My Lack of Attention to My Blog.

1. Meh.

2. The snark, it tires me.

3. Also, the blogosphere is riddled with assholes doing and tweeting stupid shit ALL OF THE TIME. It's becoming boring and I despise boredom.

4. Opening a business is very time consuming. My free time is spent scooping the cat box and catching up with my Real Housewives bitches from the ATL.

5. I'm suffering for my art.

6. Nobody reads this blog, anyways.

7. I've been really consumed with baking pumpkin bread.

8. People started "n'at"-ing all over the place and it can has I a sad. (ugh, I can barely type that without wanting to bang my head on something very, very hard.)

9. I've been pretty busy outing all of my compatriots at my local AA meeting via I-Phone.

10. Despite what other people say, it is not as easy to get free shit off of this here Internet. Since I still haven't gotten a new washer or flat screen TV, I'm losing interest. In all of you.

Also? I'm writing a book. Stay tuned.

Listless Mondays: A List of "No-Nos" to Avoid Before Bed.

Last night, I slept through the entire night. Sounds great, doesn't it? It wasn't. It was weird, uncomfortable, anxiety inducing and not restful due to all of the fucked up dreams I was experiencing. In retrospect, there were a few things I could have done to prevent the mess my subconscious bestowed upon me.

-Don't eat garlic before bed. I know, this should be a given, but the Little Honey is traveling and I was hungry mungry.

-Don't fall asleep with Catch a Predator Dateline NBC on the telly. The last place I need Chris Hansen hanging around, waiting to bust someone, is where Bradley Cooper hangs out in my subconscious as my "dude in waiting" for nighttime, fun-time.

-Kick the cat out of the bedroom. I woke up with a face full of hair, while being swatted in the head, in what appeared to be an epic battle for pillow control.

-Don't watch Sister Wives. Ever. That man is an epic toolbag and even though I know that dreams are not real, I would rather have dreams about Freddy Krueger using my spine as a toothpick, than being married off to that bag of douche and his posse of house fraus. His name is "Cody" for chrissakes...... Another reason to never name a poor, innocent child "CODY". Look what happens when they grow up! Nothing but a shame.


I know this list isn't long, but in my own opinion, it is filled with critical and valuable information to insure a splendid night's sleep.

You're welcome.

LISTLESS MONDAYS! Forever a lady: Jennifer Lynn Petkov!

Have you met this woman yet? I'm assuming everyone with internet access has, but for those losers who spend their free time doing more important things like volunteering at homeless shelters, taking care of the sick, or raising funds for AIDS research, instead of aimlessly perusing the internets and taking Facebook quizzes, please bask in the relentless cuntery of this fine citizen!

I thought I was an asshole!

I'm assuming that this Monday may be a very bleak Monday for the Petkov clan, despite their complete disregard for self awareness and kindness to other human beings, the sting of the internet is conducive to the assault of 8 billion bees. My guess is that Ms. Petkov is praying to the dark lord for a time machine to go back and just keep her fucking trap shut. However, it would probably be a tad, JUST A TAD, more effective to hire a public relations firm to try, TRY, to do some damage control for this family.

So, being a PR professional, I thought I would do my fellow brethren a solid and compile a list of possible damage control techniques to take when in the employ of Petkov family.


YOU'RE WELCOME!


5. Start crafting a fool proof history of bat-shit crazy for this woman. Counterfeit documents illustrating much time spent strapped down to a bed with a cup affixed to her face to catch the drool. Sometimes the only defense is INSANITY.

4. Try to find some solid proof that Ashton Kutcher really did cheat on Demi Moore. Use it as a bargaining chip to blackmail the actor into testifying that this was all a poorly planned revamp of his former hit show, "Punk'd".

3. When in doubt, send her to rehab. She obviously took an overdose of her heinous bitch pills.... There's treatment for that, right?

2. Aliens. She was abducted by aliens and the person who committed these acts, were not people, they were pod people from the Planet Dickhead.

1. Draw a mustache on her, teach her to speak with a German accent, put her in jodhpurs and rinding boots and arm her with a riding crop....Godwin's Law: Everything on the internet will eventually disintegrate into an argument about Nazis.....Why should this fine piece of class be spared the comparison?

Listless Mondays: Kicking the Bucket List.

Don't you just love fads? Little explosions of popularity, all created to make whoever the evil genius was that thought of them, very wealthy as they drain your pockets of disposable income. Pet rocks, Garbage Pail Kids, those stupid virtual pets, Silly Bandz..... The list is long and extensive. At first glance, one would think that fads were for the amusement of children and adolescents, as adults are way too practical to waste their precious time on such ridiculous endeavors. However, you would be wrong.

The fad du-jour in the "thirty-something" female set is the "life list", or "bucket list". A lengthy inventory of everything you must accomplish before you die, or else suffer eternity as a ghostly haunt in the dance studio you and your husband kept meaning to take Tango lessons in, but could never find the time or justify the expense. DO IT NOW OR DIE A MERE SHELL OF THE WOMAN YOU COULD HAVE BEEN IF YOU JUST WOULD HAVE TAKEN THE TIME TO EMBRACE LIFE, SLACKER. Because what the women of our society really need is added pressure and stress by way of life enhancing marketing schemes.

Not to be left out in the cold merely scrutinizing my contemporaries, I have at long last, compiled my bucket list.


THINGS TO DO BEFORE I INEVITABLY GET CANCER AND CROAK.

1. Harness the power to set things ablaze with my mind.

2. Start a Senior Citizen Break Dancing Troupe called the "Get Stale Crew."

3. Knit a cod-piece for Gene Simmons.

4. Win a three-legged race by cheating... I don't know how yet, but I'm working on it.

5. Compile a book of insults called "Velveeta for the Soul".

6. Teach a child how to pick pocket without getting caught. Just a little something to give back.

7. Short-change a blind counter clerk.

8. See what women and horses really do in Tuijuana.

9. Box a kangaroo.

10. Successfully disguise myself as a very important dignitary and prank call Sarah Palin. That should be easy enough.

Listless Mondays: TEN WAYS TO ENTERTAIN YOURSELF WHILST COUCH-BOUND WITH SPRAINED/FRACTURED FOOT

This past Thursday, I walked down our walkway while wearing flip flops and took a tumble down one of the steps that was broken (it's fixed, NOW). As a result, I sprained my ankle and suffered a hairline fracture on some weird foot bone, the one of oh so many with more than four syllables in its name that I cannot possibly be expected to remember. Needless to say, my weekend consisted of me sitting on my ass while soaking my foot in the iciest of ice water, then wrapping it in a heating pad.. Rinse. Repeat. It was pretty fucking boring, so I had to come up with clever ways to keep myself entertained.

10. Compile a list as to why the genius behind this piece of crap concept should be tarred and feathered. Seriously, that ALMOST killed me by way of shame by proxy. I wish unfunny people would stick to what they do best, being unfunny and over sharing about their children on their blogs. That was fucking embarrassing.

09. Break out your Lil'Honey's recording devices and prank call people (*67BIOTCHES), asking them if their refrigerator is running while doing your best Usher impression with the AutoTune feature. Don't forget to ask them if "they feelin' you".

08. Abuse the prescription painkillers your doctor prescribed you and try to write some poetry... You won't get past "there once was a man from Nantucket".

07. PORN.

06. Experiment with Kiss makeup.... It's definitely more fun to do all hopped up on painkillers, watching Detroit Rock City than being at a blogger convention all hopped up on vagina fumes and "LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE".

05. Don't watch the Runaways. Listening to Coraline trying to sing Cherie Curie will bruise your soul. It will. A piece of my misspent youth died watching that flaming bag of dog shit. Also, Robin Robins? Give me a fucking break! You cannot mesh the greatness of Micki Steele, Jackie Fox, Vickie Blue and co. into one amalgamated character! Also, who did Lita Ford piss off to be portrayed so viciously? She only wants to rock, y'all.

04. Watch Flashdance instead and sing along with Irene Cara at the top of your lungs.

03. Start writing your manifesto. Begin it with "There once was a man from Nantucket."

02. Paint the dog's toenails.

01. Text your friends during one of the best rock shows of the year at your favorite bar, telling them how lame that band is and watching your Dynasty DvD set is way cooler, and if they were truly your friends, they would leave the rock show event of the year, pick up some to-go sushi, and keep you company on the big comfy couch. Sigh uncontrollably when your friends text you back, laughing in your face.

Ways to Make Everything Sufficiently Awkward at a Russian Orthodox Wedding.

This weekend I had the honor of serving one of my very best friends as her Maid of Honor during her wedding. She and her husband are Eastern Russian Orthodox, in fact, he is about to be ordained as a Priest in the Church. So, this wedding wasn't your typical, "show up hungover and do cute, choreographed dances down the aisle". They take their ceremonies very seriously and thoughtfully.

A PERFECT PLACE FOR A SOUL-LESS ASSHOLE LIKE MYSELF! What could go wrong? I was actually not the rotten apple of the bunch, which, small miracles, you know? However, as with any wedding, hijinks did ensue.
Ways to Make Everything Sufficiently Awkward at a Russian Orthodox Wedding.

10. Cuss.

09. Start to exclaim "JESUS CHRIST" only to choke out "JESIMINEY CRICKETS!"

08. Ask who that little man in the arms of that giant woman is.

07. Sing along with the priest, adding harmony, random "A-MENS!" and "SPEAK IT!"

06. Trip down the aisle, so everyone gets a good look at your BVDs.

05. Because you're holding a bouquet and a candle, the only way to keep your hair from falling into your eyes is by blowing it.... But when you do that, it's loud. And awkward.

04. Mess up the cake on the drive to the wedding.

03. Try to convince the bride that the cake doesn't look "that bad."

02. Open the door to the bride's dressing room without knocking, because you know what the bride wants more on her wedding day? For a bunch of Russian Orthodox Church people seeing her in her skivvies.

01. Begin a toast to the bride and groom by mentioning how jealous the groom's ex is! (I DID NOT DO THIS!)

Listing the List for Monday. I'm Glad I Don't Do Blogher.

This past weekend the infamous Blogher conference took place in New York City. I didn't go and I'm glad.

10. I don't like people.

09. My dancing skills are so great that I would feel badly about out-dancing those so desperate to dance at the dancy-dance parties. I'm seriously fantastic.

08. I've been to several conventions for several different reasons and still wonder why the fuck I went. What a colossal waste of time.

07. I have a stapler phobia.

06. My Honey would totally make fun of me for going.

05. I'm trying to be more positive. Blogher would have sent me into a tailspin of negativity.

04. I'm opposed to wearing take out bags from fast food restaurants on my head. The thought of doing so makes me want stick a nail in my eye.

03. I would rather be cabrewin', so I was.

02. I'm too punk for partyin'.

01. I would not have been able to choose which socially repressed, ironic theme party to attend and the thought of having to choose would have sent me into an anxiety-induced coma.

Monday's List: Ways To Get Back On Course When You Have Eaten WAY TOO MUCH Over The Weekend.

This weekend was a banner weekend for eating and drinking. Friday I ate a giant hot dog, covered in kim-chi and spare ribs, split some duck fat fries and had a glass of sauvignon blanc. WOAH. Later that evening, I ate an ice cream cone, soft serve, dipped in chocolate. ACK!

Saturday, I ate some fruit for breakfast. That evening, I dined on beef tenderloin, cucumber salad, red potato salad, salad, Baked Alaska and COPIUS amounts of red wine.

Sunday, I went to a family reunion and ate a hot dog, cheesy potatoes, taco salad, and a brownie. That night, we had people over for dinner and dined on Kobe-Havarti Cheeseburgers on Ciabatta, corn on the cob and pasta salad. For desert, Chocolate cake.

IT HAS BEEN A FUCKING RIDICULOUS WEEKEND!

I had to roll myself into work today, wishing I had suits with elastic waistbands.

I need to get back on track. Here's how:

10. Prayer

09. Take some vacation time and spend the week on the treadmill. Have the Lil'Honey take a week off so he can whip me while on the treadmill.

08. This week, eat only pretend meals.

07. Sneak into the gym after closing and sleep in the sauna.

06. Use "TEH SECRET" and manifest myself to my pre-weekend weight.

05. Hire a group of young ruffians to chase me wherever I go this week.

04. Take this every where with me: https://shakeweight.com/flare/next, ignore all jack off comments.

03. Spontaneous sit ups.

02. Cocaine

01. Bring back the Botticelli and have another hot dog.

Listless Monday: How To Get Rid of Migraines

I woke up at 4am this morning to the sounds of my blood bludgeoning my brain, and the screams, THE SCREAMS! My brain screams like a little bitch. I'm finally starting to feel better (fuck you, imitrex), so I thought I would compile a list on how to deal with a migraine, Katy-style.

10. Shake your significant other out of his peaceful slumber, because if you have to suffer, so does he. BECAUSE I SAID SO.

09. Ease your pain with the soothing, rhythmic, sounds of banging your head against the wall.

08. Cry

07. Whimper

06. Pray and beg the Baby Jebus to have mercy on your cold, dark, soul.

05. When your S.O. starts to fall back asleep, wake him.

04. Tell him you would stay up for him and remind him of all the sacrifices you make for he and the family day to day. Mention the broken milk glass goblet that belonged to your great-grandmother.

03. Cover you face with ice, make sure S.O. is awake to wipe away the condensation.

02. Bargain with God. Promise him the soul of your first born and hope that he doesn't know you plan to remain childless.

01. Stick your head in the toilet and flush. Rinse. Repeat.

Ten Reasons to Change Your Blog Name, Even Though It will Mess Up Your Pretend Readership.

10. After reviewing your site meter details, it dawns on you that the hits from Sri Lanka are most likely not people who are interested in your clever reminiscing about groundhogs.

09. The name of your blog makes family reunions a little awkward.

08. It's a ding to your self-esteem when other, unfunny, very poorly named bloggers constantly harp "WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN" when referring to your blog's name. Is it really that confusing? It makes more sense than condiment pastries.

07. You get tired of strangers questioning your AWESOME sex life..... and then you feel forced to naively mention your sex life ON THE INTERNET. GAH!

06. The really clever new name for you blog brings the image of white robes and David Duke to your readership, which then makes you awkwardly defend yourself and how you're not racist and you really DO have black friends.

05. Nobody wants to talk about Dildos at work functions... No matter how many complimentary cocktails have been consumed.

04. Did I mention the "being mistaken for a porn site?"

03. Change comes from within your soul, and my soul is without plastic penetrating party devices.

02. If your name isn't so offensive, you may actually make some money off of this freakin' blog for once... Doubtful, but maybe.

01. My Mom reads this. Lord knows my writing has enough objectionable content for my mom to chew on, let alone having to visit a website with "dildo" in the title. Hi Mom! Love you!

New Career Paths For Mel Gibson. "Melicious"

Mel, Mel, Mel, MEL! Love is a battlefield and you are definitely a war, torn soldier of fortune! The affairs of your heart have overtaken your mind and as a result, your position as an "entertainer" is certainly entertaining, yet, methinks not in the way you have intended. Luckily, you're stinking rich, but being that you are as spry as a fox, you may not be in the market for early retirement. I have taken it upon myself to make a few suggestions to guide you into a new profession. You're welcome.

10. Wal-Mart Greeter

09. Guidance Counselor

08. Evangelist

07. Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard

06. Greeting Card Writer

05. Poet

04. Match-Maker

03. Children's Author

02. Bus Driver

01. Motivational Speaker

Monday's List. Ways to Keep It Cool During a Heat Emergency.

Well, summah has hit the Queen City, and one of our traditions that is more pervasive than BBQs, swimming pools and domestic violence, is a heat index emergency. A heat emergency is when it is so ridiculously hot outside, everything looks like you didn't quite get all of the sand out of your eyes that morning and the local weather people have something to blather on about for more than their intended five minutes. Oh, and it is so fucking hot outside, it's hard to breath!

Heat emergencies are not awesome, but here are some ways to stay cool and remain awesome, whilst sweating your ballzacks off.

*. Thumbs up. The Fonz was always the picture of calm, cool and collected, because his opposable didgits were always pointed sky high, giving much respect due to JC. Cool is a state of mind. Thumbs Up not only says to the public at large that you are one suave m-effer, but Thumbs Up will distract your mind from the pits stains forming in the underarm area of your Ed Hardy T-Shirt.

*. This hat. If there is a culture of cool in the world, it is definitely the Japanese! They gave us Godzilla, karaoke and excessive bowing while shaking hands! COOL!

*. Keep America working while instilling the importance of a good work ethic in our youth, by hiring a neighborhood kid to follow you around, fanning you! This is a great way for the youth of today to learn about financial independence, and for you to not only stay cool, but look very important. Don't worry about minimum wage, this is a recession. Tell the kid that being paid in good vibes and positive reinforcement, on top of their dollar a day, is an experience that is PRICELESS.

*. Birthday Suit. During times of extreme weather and public duress, the traditional values of society get thrown to the wind and our mores become more flexible. There is no better time for walking around, nude. Your neighbors won't care. It's HOT! They understand. Go ahead, take it off.

*. Ice-pack underpants. These guys will not only keep you cool, but they will also give you a terrific tingling sensation in your nether areas. Don't worry about melting. People will either think your crotch is sweating like a Samoan in a sauna, or that you pissed yourself. No biggie!

This is a short list for today, because I need to get myself into a canoe.

Stay cool!

Ten Ways To Fail At Coming Up With A List For Monday

10. Allowing your kitty to sit on your laptop because you both could use a snuggle.

9. Asking your Lil' Honey his opinion on a list topic, only to have him reply "boobies."

8. Relying on Divine Intervention

7. Fiber-Optics On Demand. They have Clueless! For Free! As IF!

6. Seriously, it will be an act of Maude if I ever get anything done, ever again.

5. TWITTER TARD WARS

4. Consulting Magic Eightball. Magic Eightball has proven itself to be incredibly lazy when it comes to predictions and consistently instructs me to "ask again later." Sloth.

3. Beyonce's Fashion Faux Pas! LOOK AT THAT HAIR! BAD FORM, BEYONCE.

2. Using Beyonce Knowles as an excuse for being distracted during list making and the guilt that ensues. I'm sorry Beyonce. Let's never fight again.

1. Preoccupation with Dick Cheney and the fact that EVIL JUST NEVER FRIGGIN DIES! ARGH!

Ten Ways To Partay Hartay While High On Life

10. Spin yourself around in circles, as fast as you can, until you fall down. Stuff some pillows down your pants so you not only look fantastic, but you buffer the blow.

09. Greet people and join conversations, speaking only in PigLatin. Everyone loves PigLatin, and you will surely be the life of the party.

08. People are craving more intimacy in their lives. Though most people go about finding this by posting TMI on the internet, you can gain intimacy and long lasting friendships by greeting new people with lots of touching and speaking to them softly, really close to their faces. Bring some tic tacs and let the lifelong seeds of friendship be sewn!

07. No matter what, everyone is always interested in hearing about your Irritable Bowel Syndrome in detail. People are SYMPATHETIC and like LEARNING.

06. Impress new friends by showing them how easy it is for you to drink an entire gallon of vitamin D milk in an hour! If that doesn't work, demonstrate how easy it is for you to whistle "Yankee Doodle" with a mouth full of crackers!

05. Request that the DJ/Band play Miami Sound Machine's classic hit, "Conga". When the music starts, sing along as loudly as you can, while you grab people around their waists to form the Conga line. This will make memories that last a lifetime.

04. Get creative! Sometimes even the best parties can hit a lull in the action. You can save the party and your host's reputation by appealing to the creative side of all the party goers. Every 8 in 10 American kitchens will have a package of kraft singles in their cheese boxes. Grab a pack, peel a slice, hold it to the ceiling and have your friend hold a lighter underneath it. The cheese slice will then affix itself to the ceiling. Repeat until the entire ceiling is covered. Not only will all of the party goers work together to create a masterpiece, you will also add some culinary class to your host's abode. Tasty and beautiful!

03. CORNHOLE!

02. Legendary rock stars, Ted Nugent and Gene Simmons are famous for their lifestyles of partyin' high on life. To stay sober while rocking and rolling all night and partyin' everyday, they focused on sex. These days, due to STDS and teh AIDS! it is safer to stay away from "going all the way" at parties, so I recommend sexually suggestive mad libs for a good, steamy time.

01. Remember, shit DOES NOT happen when you party naked while high on life. Sobriety means it is consensual.

12 Things I Like To Avoid Like the Plague. My List For Tuesday. Rules Are Made To Be Broken.

12. The lady who works in the mail room with the Dora the Explorer mushroom haircut, who smells like soup and wears polyester.

11. Bats. Rats with wings, indeed.

10. People I went to high school with who didn't speak to me, called me a "culture queer" and who now want to apologize and tell me how much they admired me. "Hey asshole, the grating marks that were embedded on my forehead after you smashed my locker into my noggin 16 years ago, fucking disagree."

09. The guy in the wheelchair who begs for money outside of my local grocery store everyday, who has a brand new Blackberry Pearl. My cell phone is held together by duct tape, and NOT because I am so DIY.

08. Cracks in the sidewalk...... and crack in general.

07. Italian Food..... Sorry Real Housewives of New Jersey.

06. My overweight neighbor who always tries to get me to pay his daughter for yard work, so she can go on Christian Missionary Trips.... Not only am I too broke to pay for help, I also love Satan.... He also was too freaked out to clean up the cat he ran over on his driveway, which meant I had to do it before the kids saw it. He sat there and wept.... It wasn't even his cat.

05. Vera Bradley bags.... I think there are hidden messages from Charles Manson in those swirly flowers. Clever devil.

04. I was going to say the Jehovahs Witness ladies that stalk my house on Saturday morning, but I kind of like to make "Yahweh Threeway" jokes, while going in and out of talking in tongues.

03. Disney Channel Teen Idols. Not because they are annoying, they are. But, because I believe that they are zombies created by the militant wing of the Catholic Church who have set out to eat the brains of the public, hiding the evidence of their victims under trendy styled, hair helmets.

02. Too much responsibility.

01. Herpes.

I've Decided To Go Evil.

After many strenuous and painful months of trying to be pure of heart, chaste, and remembering to always recycle; I have decided enough is enough, and I am going evil. It's just the nature of my being baby.

Thank the stars for the internet, without it I would have been at a complete loss on just HOW I should start being evil... Now I know...... Off to Italy!

Evil Plan (tm)!

Your objective is simple: Soul Accumulation.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: Mom never loved me

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first seduce a pope. This will cause the world to sit up and take notice, paralyzed by your arrival. Who is this despoiler of all that is good and nice and true? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in classic black?

Stage Two

Next, you must vaporize the moon (ooh, tides!). This will all be done from a floating fortress, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will weep uncontrollably, as countless hordes of mean english teachers hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must tauntingly wave your great supernatural forces, bringing about an unending cacophony of screams. Your name shall become synonymous with fuzzy bunnies, and no man will ever again dare refuse to be your prom date. Everyone will bow before your dashing good looks, and the world will have no choice but to pray to you for enlightenment.

http://www.darksites.com/souls/horror/evilguide/index.html