Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Losing My Edge

So, a person who actually reads this blog, commented to me the other day, (over beers, mind you), that my writing has lost its edge. That I am not as sarcastic or cynical as I used to be, which makes me not as funny.

Oh well.

I can't really say why I write this blog, it is more cathartic than anything. It is of absolutely no interest to anyone but myself and a handful of friends, but it has also been an evolutionary process for me. Maybe my writing is not as negative as it used to be, because I am feeling happier these days? Maybe I don't feel the need to grace the Earth with my searing wit and put downs?

What does behaving like an asshole in the written word really achieve?

I know it is a pretty good way to fuck up close relationships and piss a lot of people off!

I used to defend a lot of what I would write as "satirical", and it was..... But that did not make it appropriate subject matter, despite the truth of the situation..... Truth.... " We hold these truths to be self evident".... Truthiness..... I also think that I used this blog to insinuate what I believed to be the "truth" about certain situations that were happening in my life.... That this was some sort of "Cyber-Hall of Justice" where "Truth, Justice, and the American Way", would prevail.

Then I realized what an exercise in selfishness and futility that was. It was complete garbage, and luckily there was a delete button available to rid the world of my bullshit.... I never called anyone out, I never named names, but if anyone involved were to peruse this site, they would have known exactly who I was talking about.

That did happen and the results were not what I expected. I expected for these people to have some kind of moment of introspection... to realize just how "wrong" they were, and then to change their evil ways, baby.....

What a pile of sanctimonious bullshit.

Here is the "catch-22". My truth and their truth, were vastly different, and they felt just as passionate about their side of the situation, as I did. Instead of passive aggressively and cleverly hiding it within "blog" verse, they just confronted me, and then things got even uglier.

So clearly, my plan totally worked.

If my plan was to exacerbate the current situation, while in, turn creating more drama.

I also feel that the negativity I was harboring in my soul was creating problems for my future and destiny....... OH NOES! SOMEONE HAS BEEN READING THE SECRET AGAINZ!@@!)_!

Seriously though, all of these feelings of hurt, anger, jealousy, envy, and vindication were tied to my ankles like bricks. I let these dramas infiltrate my life so much, that it was all I could concentrate on, so much so, I lost my job. In hindsight, I feel that it was meant to be for me to leave that job, it was a shitty job in the suburbs, with a cranky, entitled boss, and I was bored with it. Most of all, I needed to lose so much, in order to see what I really have, and to be finally feel thankful for all of the wonderful things in my life.

I'm a very rich person. I have a lot of love and a lot of light in my life, and I am truly thankful for it.

So, yeah. I'm feeling better. I'm happy. I'm engaged to the love of my life, with whom I have been having a very passionate love affair with for the past five years, all the while growing a wonderful, enriching and deep friendship with. I have two lovely step-children, who are beautiful and brilliant. I have wonderful siblings, parents, and nieces, whom I cherish very deeply....

I feel peace......

Now, if I could only squeeze my fat ass back into some size sixes, I would be totally bitchin.


1 comment:

  1. amen to everything you said. i'm trying to leave my anger and bitchiness in the past...except for when it serves my purposes with "customer service representatives".