Friday, January 30, 2009

Snowed In Cotton Head

After celebrating my 33rd birthday at the beginning of the week, white death reigned down upon us with a vengeance. In the course of 24 hours, we received 7 inches of snow, topped with 2 inches of ice, and then topped with another 3 inches of snow; causing my place of business, my Little Honey's place of business, and the chillun's school to shut down for a few days.

After four snow days, I think I am ready to punch Mother Nature in her crotch..... Especially since she plans on dumping another four inches of snow upon us this evening. It's ridiculous. This is not Alaska, or Wisconsin, or Minnesota. This is Southwestern O H I O. Typically we get weather like this, it sticks around for two days and then the temperatures sky rocket into the 60's and everything melts.

THAT IS OUR ROUTINE, LADY. Stop messing with my ju ju, for the love of all that is holy.

After being stuck in this house for a few days, I think that the Mr and I are in need of a break from one another. As I sit here and type this, I can hear him sighing and saying "Type loud enough?", which only inspires me to bang on these keys a little harder, because, you know, REALLY? REALLY? Luckily we have only had the kids two of these four days. They were with their mom for the first two, thank Maude, or else I would have really come undone at this point.

But trying to come up with ways to keep from killing each other, as well as not perishing from boredom is quite trying. Luckily the oldest son enjoys making lists and schedules, so he took an hour out of the day planning the first four hours of the day, and will commence on finishing the schedule after lunch time, which will hopefully take another hour.... One more hour closer to bed time, is an hour that I can appreciate.

On days like today, after a week of arts and crafts out the wazzoo, reading hours that last for days, cleaning the house until a hole is almost worn into the wood floors, how do parents keep their kids from too many hours of video games and TV? Seriously? I am ready to plop them in front of the tube, and say "HAVE AT IT KIDDIOS! We can only go sledding for so long, so very many times."

I know a lot of people think that being snowed in is romantic and cozy.

It just isn't.

It's claustrophobic and annoying.

That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Spring? Where art thou, oh precious spring?

Monday, January 26, 2009

Another Year Goes By.

Today is the dreaded day. The day where I reflect on my mortality and the predicted 12 inches of snow that has historically canceled the majority of belabored celebrations my mother had planned to commemorate the day of my birth......

That's right....

Happy Birthday to me.

I hate my birthday.

But I love calls from my mom and dad... Funny emails from my brother, and sweet ones from my sister.... As well as, well wishes from my friends, a homemade birthday cake from my honey and the kids, a surprise birthday dinner at my favorite steakhouse, that is a birthday institution in my family... (We all celebrated important milestone birthdays there, needless to say, it was a big deal to go to the Pine Club), coordinated by My Little Honey, with my best friend and her husband in tow.....

Hey, maybe the tides are changing and maybe I kind of like my birthday?

huh.... Who would have thought?

I am very thankful for my family, my friends, the love of my life, my community, my job and my health....

Happy Birthday to me.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Blog Focus and Lobster Incidents

Blogging has turned into such the "industry" these days, which is just funny to me. What essentially started off as a computerized, online diary in which people stayed in touch with friends and family; has turned into the Op-Eds, Gossip, Entertainment, articles that used to be exclusive to magazines and newspapers.

I follow some blogs that are strictly for hobby, some are meant to tone the muscles of the author's creative writing skills, some are gossip, some are funny, and some authors make serious jack from advertising and don't have to hold down 9-5ers. I think that is tremendous for those authors. I wish I possessed the talent, foresight and entrepreneurship of those individuals!

Unfortunately, with the good, comes the bad and the ugly. One disadvantage to the blog, which you never really saw in the hard-copy, print world: Blogs strictly created to attack other blogs and their authors..

It's sad and gross, but it is the internet..... What should we expect, really? Just browse the Rants and Raves section of Craigslist for a minute, and you get the gist of the kind of bottom feeders that grace the world wide web with the benefit of anonymity. It's amazing the "king kong" sized balls someone can grow, under the cloak of disguise, as well as the amount of vitriol that can come forth from their souls.

Purely fascinating.

Anyhoodle, back to my blog and what I am trying to accomplish here..... Well, nothing really. I enjoy the experience of writing, it's incredibly cathartic for me, and it helps me sort out my issues. I must say, that I really don't feel like I fit into the blogosphere. Most women my age fall into the "Mommy Blogger" category, a category that many blogs I really enjoy fall into, but one that could not be further from my life.

I'm not a mommy.

I have been with my fiance for five years and he has two children that were babies when we got together, whom I have helped raise.... But, I'm not their mommy. I am their step-parent, their "Katy", which really does not give me license to discuss them too intimately here.... I have written about them before because they are wonderful, beautiful, smart, hilarious, and I love the shit out of them!...... But, it is really just better that I leave them out of my writing.

Plus, what's there to say other than this:

Being a step-parent is incredibly awesome, and, rewarding, while simultaneously, very hard, hurtful, alienating, and angering.

That's about it.

Other than that, I am an early thirties, career woman, who dreams of being a childless housewife, so I can cook, garden, clean and volunteer for neighborhood projects all day. Working is the pits. Please send money.


I was blogging on Big Booty Judy about my weight loss, which I have hit my goal, but I got bored of talking about it. I also became bored of posting everything I ate and breaking down recipes all of the time. I felt it made me sound as if I had a superiority complex, or held the secret to success for weight loss, which I don't.

So, what do I blog about?


And everything.

That has to do with me, and what I watch, think, experience, enjoy..

If it is boring to some, they can leave.

What do I want to accomplish?

Nothing really.

I am just trying to be a better person by getting things off of my chest and by trying to be creative and funny.

That's all.

OH, recently I was asked about "lobster incidents", and what that was all about.

Let's just say, after electrocutions and rising of the dead, I am done cooking lobsters at home.

Monday, January 5, 2009

America The Beautiful: ROCK OF LOVE TOUR BUS!

I should not watch this show. I really should not............ But how often does one get to witness a mobile petri dish of venereal diseases? This show is everything that is so wrong; yet totally right and beautiful about American culture. You get to watch a bunch of silicone-implanted, nymphomania strickened banshees, crammed together on a bus, driving around the country... All the while vying for the affections of a bald, wig wearing, rock-star-has-been; who wears more makeup then some of them do. You get to witness them in their natural states, doing what the good lord intended for them to do: Acting like ridiculous attention whores.......

This is art, people.

Sunday night television at Chez Dildo is always a treat when Rock of Love is around... My fiance and I love to watch this show because it is jaw-droppingly fantastic, and the premiere of Tour Bus is promising to be the best ROL version, yet. Though I sit with giddy anticipation to watch this season pan out, one thing I am thankful for is that you can't smell television. Because, that would be gross.........

My personal highlights of this premiere were hard to choose..... it's like trying to pick what is better, cake or ice cream? They are both wonderful! How does one choose? Right off the bat, Bret recognizes one of the girls, Brittany, from some Pornos he owns and obviously watches often... I mean, the only porn stars I could pick out of a line up are Traci Lords or Jenna Jameson, and that's only because they are main stream and I had to pick up Jenna Jameson at the airport, but that is another, horrible story.

HOWEVER, he holds this woman's porn career against her! She almost got eliminated for that, by BRET MICHAELS........ A man who used to dress and do HIS makeup like MADAME in the 1980's..... Also, once one watches her on the bus for more than a minute, any normal person could pick out about 50 other reasons to cut her loose, none which have to do with porn, (on the Vh1 Blog they have her name as Jasmineva, which I think that name alone makes her eligible for elimination), and all have to do with the fact that this poor dear is mentally unstable.

Like, for real.

Anyhoodle... Once Mr. Michaels was through with his traditional, douchetastic, photo-shoot; where he encourages the women to not only flash their beavs at him, but make out with him, one after the other, after the other, after the other.... All of the "contestants" (I mean, what do you really win, ladies? A life of scorn, mouth herpes and "no thanks" at any non-VH1 reality show, venture?)were corralled onto two tour buses, the Pink Bus and the Blue Bus...... Obviously inspired by the colors used to depict pregnancy on a pee-stick..... How apropos...

All of the classy and somewhat sane ladies headed for the Blue Bus.... These ladies consisted of a Penthouse Pet, my favorite contestant so far, who thinks she is a magic, gypsy lady, as well as the other brunette, sports model, calendar girls,(yes, these are the classy and sane ladies). They quickly settled in with some hot tea and a few renditions of Kumbaya on the acoustic guitar...... I am not joking. It was kind of a snooze fest, but it was fun to see these women come to the realization that the ladies on the other bus made them look like a group of nuns.... Even the Penthouse Pet, Taya, noticed that the other ladies made her look like Audrey Hepburn in comparison.

Though the Blue Bus was turning out to be like a ride on the Campfire Girl Hay-Cart, the Pink Bus was promising to be an expedition into the girls, juvenile detention ward..... These ladies are effing nuts.... Not five minutes into the ride and the Juliette Lewis (if Juliette Lewis had a bad dye job and was Chloe Sevingy's character in Gummo) look-a-like, Ashley, was making fun of the crazy, alcoholic, Brazilian-Bombshell, Marcia , who is not only somewhat attractive, but also, huge, mean, and drunk.... Ashley's antics got her a full cup of tequila dumped on her head, as well as a much deserved choking later in the show.... but that was not the best part of the show.... AT ALL.

The best part of the Bus Premiere was brought to us by Pink Bus resident riders, Gia and Nikki. Please gaze onto these...... these..... these concubine...... Especially Nikki..... What the heck is going on there? Not only has this poor soul maimed herself with the evils of cheap plastic surgery, she also performed a rap for Mr. Michaels, written on some printouts, giving you instructions on how to care for herpes and gonorrhea... EMBARRASSING.


As the partying and major substance abuse began to commence, it was apparent that Gia was a rather affectionate woman......bestowing her affections on anyone who would have them, especially the other ladies.... She even let Brett know that if they were to enter a union, she would be willing to share the love of her "ladies" with him.... That is what I like to call a "collectivist"..... Once Nikki was hip to the Lesbianna jive, she revealed that her journey to the Tour Bus began because her girlfriend had dumped her and that she was "back on men" Anyway, once she saw how much attention Gia was garnering with her "sharing", she decided to get in on the action.

As Gia sat with her naked crotch spread eagle on the bar, Nikki took a body shot off of Gia's most sacred of places
...... Yup... In front of everyone.... It even grossed out Mr. Michael, a feat I once considered impossible.....

I definitely think that should go down in history as one of America's greatest TV moments. It took classy to new levels.

Alas, Gia and Nikki's television debuts were cut short, as Mr. Michaels decided that disease ridden, bi-sexuals with Father issues were not on his agenda, and eliminated both of them on the first round.... I guess doing ANYTHING for attention on reality TV is not always a good thing? Poor dears....

BUT, they were not even my favorite contestant! They were not even in my top five (probably because they made my imaginary dick ache, and my soul cry).....

My favorite contestant of this cycle?

Why, Constaandina, of course!

She thinks she has magical powers... I really don't even think she meant to try out for this show. My theory is that she got left behind at Carl's 76 Truck Stop in Indiana, while she was in the bathroom and the bus full of Renaissance Fair Actors she arrived with were unjustly persecuted by a group of disoriented Dead Heads, who had been wandering I-70 for the past seven years, looking for Dearcreek. The Dead Heads accused the Rennies of harshing their mellow and steeling their pot at Buckeye Lake, though it isn't true, because that show was 7 years ago and everyone knows Rennies only get high on life and Meade.

As she waited, dazed and confused, for her entourage to reclaim her at Carl's (she obviously misjudged their cowardice, because those dorks were long gone), Big John from ROL, spotted her as he stopped in for some High C and a Slim Jim.... and the rest is history.....

I love her because she kept making this remark:

"I am from the foothills of APP-A-LACH-IA."

Like "APP-A-LACH-IA" was some mystical, magical place where golden unicorns lived.... and not Lancaster Ohio, or somewhere as equally desperate and barren in Pennsylvania or West Virginia.... Because that is where the foothills to the Appalachian Mountains are.

Plus, you just know her real name is Tammy.

I love her.

I love this show.