Monday, January 5, 2009

America The Beautiful: ROCK OF LOVE TOUR BUS!





I should not watch this show. I really should not............ But how often does one get to witness a mobile petri dish of venereal diseases? This show is everything that is so wrong; yet totally right and beautiful about American culture. You get to watch a bunch of silicone-implanted, nymphomania strickened banshees, crammed together on a bus, driving around the country... All the while vying for the affections of a bald, wig wearing, rock-star-has-been; who wears more makeup then some of them do. You get to witness them in their natural states, doing what the good lord intended for them to do: Acting like ridiculous attention whores.......

This is art, people.

Sunday night television at Chez Dildo is always a treat when Rock of Love is around... My fiance and I love to watch this show because it is jaw-droppingly fantastic, and the premiere of Tour Bus is promising to be the best ROL version, yet. Though I sit with giddy anticipation to watch this season pan out, one thing I am thankful for is that you can't smell television. Because, that would be gross.........

My personal highlights of this premiere were hard to choose..... it's like trying to pick what is better, cake or ice cream? They are both wonderful! How does one choose? Right off the bat, Bret recognizes one of the girls, Brittany, from some Pornos he owns and obviously watches often... I mean, the only porn stars I could pick out of a line up are Traci Lords or Jenna Jameson, and that's only because they are main stream and I had to pick up Jenna Jameson at the airport, but that is another, horrible story.

HOWEVER, he holds this woman's porn career against her! She almost got eliminated for that, by BRET MICHAELS........ A man who used to dress and do HIS makeup like MADAME in the 1980's..... Also, once one watches her on the bus for more than a minute, any normal person could pick out about 50 other reasons to cut her loose, none which have to do with porn, (on the Vh1 Blog they have her name as Jasmineva, which I think that name alone makes her eligible for elimination), and all have to do with the fact that this poor dear is mentally unstable.

Like, for real.

Anyhoodle... Once Mr. Michaels was through with his traditional, douchetastic, photo-shoot; where he encourages the women to not only flash their beavs at him, but make out with him, one after the other, after the other, after the other.... All of the "contestants" (I mean, what do you really win, ladies? A life of scorn, mouth herpes and "no thanks" at any non-VH1 reality show, venture?)were corralled onto two tour buses, the Pink Bus and the Blue Bus...... Obviously inspired by the colors used to depict pregnancy on a pee-stick..... How apropos...

All of the classy and somewhat sane ladies headed for the Blue Bus.... These ladies consisted of a Penthouse Pet, my favorite contestant so far, who thinks she is a magic, gypsy lady, as well as the other brunette, sports model, calendar girls,(yes, these are the classy and sane ladies). They quickly settled in with some hot tea and a few renditions of Kumbaya on the acoustic guitar...... I am not joking. It was kind of a snooze fest, but it was fun to see these women come to the realization that the ladies on the other bus made them look like a group of nuns.... Even the Penthouse Pet, Taya, noticed that the other ladies made her look like Audrey Hepburn in comparison.

Though the Blue Bus was turning out to be like a ride on the Campfire Girl Hay-Cart, the Pink Bus was promising to be an expedition into the girls, juvenile detention ward..... These ladies are effing nuts.... Not five minutes into the ride and the Juliette Lewis (if Juliette Lewis had a bad dye job and was Chloe Sevingy's character in Gummo) look-a-like, Ashley, was making fun of the crazy, alcoholic, Brazilian-Bombshell, Marcia , who is not only somewhat attractive, but also, huge, mean, and drunk.... Ashley's antics got her a full cup of tequila dumped on her head, as well as a much deserved choking later in the show.... but that was not the best part of the show.... AT ALL.

The best part of the Bus Premiere was brought to us by Pink Bus resident riders, Gia and Nikki. Please gaze onto these...... these..... these concubine...... Especially Nikki..... What the heck is going on there? Not only has this poor soul maimed herself with the evils of cheap plastic surgery, she also performed a rap for Mr. Michaels, written on some printouts, giving you instructions on how to care for herpes and gonorrhea... EMBARRASSING.

BUT THAT ISN'T EVEN THE BEST PART.

As the partying and major substance abuse began to commence, it was apparent that Gia was a rather affectionate woman......bestowing her affections on anyone who would have them, especially the other ladies.... She even let Brett know that if they were to enter a union, she would be willing to share the love of her "ladies" with him.... That is what I like to call a "collectivist"..... Once Nikki was hip to the Lesbianna jive, she revealed that her journey to the Tour Bus began because her girlfriend had dumped her and that she was "back on men"......um.... Anyway, once she saw how much attention Gia was garnering with her "sharing", she decided to get in on the action.

As Gia sat with her naked crotch spread eagle on the bar, Nikki took a body shot off of Gia's most sacred of places
...... Yup... In front of everyone.... It even grossed out Mr. Michael, a feat I once considered impossible.....

I definitely think that should go down in history as one of America's greatest TV moments. It took classy to new levels.

Alas, Gia and Nikki's television debuts were cut short, as Mr. Michaels decided that disease ridden, bi-sexuals with Father issues were not on his agenda, and eliminated both of them on the first round.... I guess doing ANYTHING for attention on reality TV is not always a good thing? Poor dears....

BUT, they were not even my favorite contestant! They were not even in my top five (probably because they made my imaginary dick ache, and my soul cry).....

My favorite contestant of this cycle?

Why, Constaandina, of course!

She thinks she has magical powers... I really don't even think she meant to try out for this show. My theory is that she got left behind at Carl's 76 Truck Stop in Indiana, while she was in the bathroom and the bus full of Renaissance Fair Actors she arrived with were unjustly persecuted by a group of disoriented Dead Heads, who had been wandering I-70 for the past seven years, looking for Dearcreek. The Dead Heads accused the Rennies of harshing their mellow and steeling their pot at Buckeye Lake, though it isn't true, because that show was 7 years ago and everyone knows Rennies only get high on life and Meade.

As she waited, dazed and confused, for her entourage to reclaim her at Carl's (she obviously misjudged their cowardice, because those dorks were long gone), Big John from ROL, spotted her as he stopped in for some High C and a Slim Jim.... and the rest is history.....

I love her because she kept making this remark:

"I am from the foothills of APP-A-LACH-IA."

Like "APP-A-LACH-IA" was some mystical, magical place where golden unicorns lived.... and not Lancaster Ohio, or somewhere as equally desperate and barren in Pennsylvania or West Virginia.... Because that is where the foothills to the Appalachian Mountains are.

Plus, you just know her real name is Tammy.

I love her.

I love this show.

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