Monday, December 7, 2009
Baby Used To Rock and Roll.
What the fuck happened to me? I used to rock. I was a quintessential "Rock Chick". I was adventurous, hot, fun, funny, drunk and slutty. I was reckless, I was fantastic. I would travel near and far for shows, whether I was with the band, or with my friends. No city was too far, money was never an issue because all that mattered was rock and roll. From the Vogue in Indianapolis, to The Magic Stick in Detroit, to Coney Island High or the Continental in St. Marks; I had been to all of them, several times for several shows with several friends, new, old and some to never see again.
For a period of three years, I gallivanted around the country, hopping from one tour bus to the next, going from show to show. I was always backstage partaking in the swag, food, free-beer and the finite adoration of the fellow I had decided to follow around the country for a week or two. It was really fun. I never became attached, diseased, or pregnant. I would leave venues on the arms of "rock stars" and for some reason people would ask me for my autograph, which I never understood.
I'm sure that many of you are shocked to read my candid words of my adventures as a very loose young woman, however you must realize that I was raised in an Episcopalian household of Swedish/ Anglican descent. Loose morals were not only permitted, they were encouraged.... Kind of like how Amish families give their teenaged children a chance to go out and live amongst the sinning English before they commit themselves back to the life of the plain, however, this is not encouraged as a way to learn right from wrong and to chose a Pius life, but as a way to hone your sex and drugs skills as to not become a sloppy lover in your later years.
I was young and I took advantage of my youth and freedom. Though it sounds as if I was working out some low-self esteem, daddy issue laden lack of self worth, it really wasn't. I was having a blast, honestly.
I don't know when I changed or if it was even a conscious decision, but it struck me that eleven years ago today after finishing my final exams, I received a call from the band dude of the month with whom I was infatuated with and was off to Columbus Ohio to tag along with him for awhile. It seems like it was just yesterday while simultaneously seeming like eons ago.
I have been thinking about my life so much lately and all of the choices I have made, the person who I was, who I am, and the woman I want to be. I feel that I am at a Crossroad. I am not a mother, nor do I desire to become one, so I have not had to experience that jolt of responsibility and instinct that kicks in with the birth of a child. What has happened is that I am about to get married, I need to quit smoking and my fiance's cholesterol is a little too high.
The writing is on the wall.... it is time to grow up.
It's been years since I have jumped on a tour bus or partaken in any of the shenanigans I was into ten years ago, however, I am still a party girl. I still go to shows, I can still hang until 4 in the morning, which is not uncommon for the crowd I hang out with. I still like to have fun and I like to get wild, but other than becoming a tad monotonous, it is also incredibly fucking exhausting.
Drinking too much makes me feel shit like in a whole new variety of ways! Once all I needed to do was to barf, brush my teeth, drink a McDonald's Coke and down some French Fries and I was good to go!
A night of partying will most certainly ruin the next day for me. I don't need to barf anymore, mainly because my body lacks the energy to do so. What I can do is lay on the couch for 8 hours and slurp chicken broth. FUN! Get my laundry done? Nope, I'm going to lay here like a slob at 33 freaking years old and watch the Bridezilla marathon, because that isn't pathetic AT ALL. It's just gross.
I'm too old.
The Mr and I were also discussing the fact that we are both life long smokers. He has been smoking for 25 years and I have been smoking for 19 years. We have both been smokers longer than we were non-smokers, so this is more than a nasty habit and addiction; it's a way of life. I don't remember what is was like to not smoke. I am not even a heavy smoker, I am triggered by situations that make me want to smoke and to drink, for that matter. I have come to realize that my vices are a direct result of my social anxiety and insecurities.
I started smoking to fit in. Everyone does. Nobody picks up a cigarette and thinks, "YES! THIS is how I want to live my life!" That's ridiculous. What's even more ridiculous is starting the habit because "That's what the cool kids do!" Yet, when have teenagers been known not to make ridiculous decisions with their lives? Exactly.
I started drinking to fit in as well. I admit that while I was a teenager, I did not gravitate towards drinking as easily as smoking. I guess I like to suck, *natch*. Not that I didn't drink in high school, I did. But, by Junior year, I was in love with my first boyfriend and the thought of the two of us sitting around getting drunk, really didn't appeal to me. I went through many "Drinking is stupid" phases until I turned 21 and discovered the wonderful world known as "the bar."
Drinking not only got me a crowd, but it also made me relax, which was great for a person as high fucking strung as myself.
As with anything in life, it's just time to move on. You can't keep behaving in the same manner and expect anything to change... Ever. I not only want to live a healthier life, I am just bored with it all. I'm beginning to find it rather tacky and gauche to be whooping it up with the 24 year olds every weekend. I'm older than they are! I'm not old in any sense of the word, but keeping the same social habits for over ten years is BORING.
It's also depressing, (*warning:Schizophrenic posting ahead*) because though I am not "old", I am too old for this behavior. When I am hanging around a bunch of 24 year olds; acting like a 24 year old, though it may appear that I am having fun, it is actually reminding me that I am 33 years old and most people my age are spending their time more constructively....... and that maybe, JUST MAYBE.... I need to act my fucking age. Which isn't old..... but it does have things like debt, mortgages, and 8:00am staff meetings.
So, in short, partaking in the Shenanigans of the young; makes me feel fucking ancient.
I'm not admitting to some drinking problem here nor am I quitting my wine. I can't quit wine. I'm like Jesus, I love wine. I am quitting smoking, (which funnily enough, makes your hangovers eleventybillion times worse than alcohol alone) and I am also quitting the all night dance parties forever..........Maybe.......... Maybe not forever.......Maybe like once every few months? Only on birthdays?
Whatever... But the smoking is done. DONE I SAY!
Baby's going to have to learn to rock and roll in a new way.