Monday, September 20, 2010

Listless Mondays: Kicking the Bucket List.

Don't you just love fads? Little explosions of popularity, all created to make whoever the evil genius was that thought of them, very wealthy as they drain your pockets of disposable income. Pet rocks, Garbage Pail Kids, those stupid virtual pets, Silly Bandz..... The list is long and extensive. At first glance, one would think that fads were for the amusement of children and adolescents, as adults are way too practical to waste their precious time on such ridiculous endeavors. However, you would be wrong.

The fad du-jour in the "thirty-something" female set is the "life list", or "bucket list". A lengthy inventory of everything you must accomplish before you die, or else suffer eternity as a ghostly haunt in the dance studio you and your husband kept meaning to take Tango lessons in, but could never find the time or justify the expense. DO IT NOW OR DIE A MERE SHELL OF THE WOMAN YOU COULD HAVE BEEN IF YOU JUST WOULD HAVE TAKEN THE TIME TO EMBRACE LIFE, SLACKER. Because what the women of our society really need is added pressure and stress by way of life enhancing marketing schemes.

Not to be left out in the cold merely scrutinizing my contemporaries, I have at long last, compiled my bucket list.


1. Harness the power to set things ablaze with my mind.

2. Start a Senior Citizen Break Dancing Troupe called the "Get Stale Crew."

3. Knit a cod-piece for Gene Simmons.

4. Win a three-legged race by cheating... I don't know how yet, but I'm working on it.

5. Compile a book of insults called "Velveeta for the Soul".

6. Teach a child how to pick pocket without getting caught. Just a little something to give back.

7. Short-change a blind counter clerk.

8. See what women and horses really do in Tuijuana.

9. Box a kangaroo.

10. Successfully disguise myself as a very important dignitary and prank call Sarah Palin. That should be easy enough.



  1. Yes, but how will you monetize this? And how expensive will the ballet slippers be that you give away at your conference?

  2. I have far too much integrity to monetize and the ballet slippers will be knitted from Tibetan Yak fur, embellished with Swarovski crystals and baptized in Croatian, orphaned infant tears. $25,000.00


  3. I've seen you box a drunk, homeless guy.... That's sort of like boxing a kangaroo, but without the whole "getting to go to Australia" angle.

  4. In Tijuana the horses always have headaches and the women get pissed and punch em in their happy place. Not that horses have happy places, but if they did I'm sure Mr Ed would have phrased it 'the happy place'. Then they go have tacos and tequila, the women not the horses.