In her latest entry, she really hits home with me and my pseudo motherhood position in my family. Hotbuns and his ex, whom I will refer to as Ms. Delish (she has a very tasty place to eat, and she rocks), share custody of the little Buns. It is a good arrangement and Hotbuns and Delish are excellent parents. She has the Little Buns half of the week, and we have them the other half.
Well, as my position grew here at chez Dildo-Buns, I started to really go through a crisis. Overnight I found myself in a parental role that I was completely NOT PREPARED to deal with.
You see, I don't want children of my own, I never really have. The only time I ever expressed any interest is when my career has been in the toilet. (Yeah, because squeezing out babies and having to deal with them for 18 years will be EASIER. I can be a real moron sometimes.)
Well, in her latest entry, Heather wrote this:
For many months after Leta’s birth I felt like I was going through an identity crisis, even after my hospital stay when I could think about things more clearly. I didn’t know I was going through it then, but I had many symptoms of a mid-life crisis, including excessive drinking and lashing out at the most important people in my life. I can look back at those months now and see what was going on, that suddenly I was a mother, but didn’t feel like I thought mothers were supposed to feel. It was as if overnight I had gone from working in the mail room to becoming the CEO, and I had no idea how to run a company. I didn’t want to run a company.
I have been experiencing similar feelings. I know that I am not a birth mother, that I am a bonus parent, but it is really hard. It is hard to know if you are being fair to everyone's feelings. How much discipline is too much discipline? How much disclosure of my life is too much? Dealing with a lot of feelings of resentment, then guilt, because I am the one who put myself here, not these babies, and I should be being a better partner. Frustration on being the bonus parent and things not being done the way you think they should, but, that is the way it is. Feeling like the carpet could be pulled out from under you in a minute and these children you love so much and have helped raise over the past three years, will no longer be a part of your life. That is the biggest fear of all.
Anyways, I deal with fear through humor, so I thought I would share a message I sent Heather Armstrong. Please read the excerpt I posted, so you can see that I am using humor and sarcasm and do not necessarily have the feelings I am about to post.
Traveling with toddlers sucks wads. P E R I O D. Even if it is a one hour road/day trip, it sucks. Why? Because though they are cute and we love them infinitely, toddlers suck.
Toddlers are complete assholes. They don't care about other peoples' wants and desires, they care about their wants and desires. Case in point, toddlers NEVER run the dishwasher and rarely flush the toilet. Heck, you are lucky they went in the potty in the first place. Most toddlers are animals and go in their pants and MAKE YOU clean it up. Typical behavior of a MAJOR ASSHOLE.
Toddlers won't even bother to READ for themselves. They make you do it, if you don't, they make you wish you were never born, just like an asshole would. I have even known toddlers to take a plate of dinner I had just slaved over for HOURS, and dump it on the floor. Just like an asshole. THEY DID NOT EVEN APOLOGIZE, the fucking ASSHOLE.
A lot of times, I look down upon this giant ASSHOLE that lives in my house and think, "Fuck them, I am D O N E." Just when I think I have the balls to totally tell them off and REALLY let them know what a complete ASSHOLE they are, they look up at me and tell me how much they love me and how I am the best in the world. Just like an asshole.
Only an asshole would tell you the most amazing thing you have ever heard, right when you are about to stick it to them. They totally pull your heartstrings and make you embrace them in cuddle time for the next hour, causing you to forget what a total asshole they are in the first place.
(it does get better, when they move out, things are going to be just fine;))
You have to have a sense of humor about parenting. If you don't, you are going to drive yourself INSANE.