When it comes to pop-culture, I can get a tad behind the times. I get caught up with the trivial details of the mundane... my job and family... mortgage.....death.... I know it's stupid. Who cares about that boring shit when Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab?
Due to my lack of attention to today's celebrities and the very important goings on in their lives, I had no idea that mammoth media mogul, OPRAH, was continuing her quest for world domination by launching her own TV channel! (I almost typed show! I'm so silly!) I made this discovery by cruising the channels, trying to find my favorite show, "I'm Pregnant and...."
You can fill in the rest:
"I'm Pregnant and I'm in prison..... Addicted to Meth....Anorexic.....Unbearably Pedantic."
You get the gist.
I was saddened when my voyeuristic quest for abnormal pregancies became an exercise in futility. However, I was quite flabbergasted when I found the OWN channel. OWN? What does this mean? A shopping network? An internet practical joke channel? What could it be?
Fool! OWN is the Oprah Winfrey Network. NETWORK!I thought Oprah was retiring from TV? I guess in Oprahland, retiring means TAKING THE BITCH OVER. Silly rabbit, talk shows are for lesbians.
Since I have a soft spot for trash TV, I thought I would delve further into the purpose of OWN and whether or not I would watch broadcasts from the Empress herself. Upon watching a few shows and light research (pressing the info button on my remote, I work too hard), below are my thoughts on the OWN network.
-If OWN was an animate object, it would be a female reproductive system is the midst of menstruation.
-It would not be an Oprah production with out heavy emphasis on the Trinity of Douche: Orman, Oz and McGraw.
-Gail King is living proof nepotism is lucrative, not that we needed more. However, Gail breaks the Brat Barrier and proves you can depend on your BFF to give you your own show. WTF is GAIL going to talk about? Oprah? Because, that topic really needs some more coverage. What Oprah likes? Because the public surely has no clue? Maybe she can talk about Oprah and food? There's a topic that hasn't been covered. From BFFs to lovers?
-Oh goody, a bevy of chick-flicks! Because I really need to see the edited for TV version of Officer and a Gentleman, again. Lifetime, ye not know a woman's heart like the Oprah. Give up.
-Oprah presents "MASTER CLASS". Heavy emphasis on "Master" and as always, you, the viewer, are doing "it" wrong. "It" is life, and you are no Jay-Z, my friend.
In the spirit of Wal-Mart, OPRAH has destroyed the need for multiple cable channels by bringing the viewer a one-stop, one shop place for viewing.
Trying to recreate an authentic Japanese meal from Nobu on a shoe string budget? OWN has just what you need!
Have you been wondering just what makes Lisa Ling tick? LOOK NO FURTHER! OPRAH has the answer!
Need to get your groove back in the boudoir? OPRAH WILL RETEACH YOU!
Because, just like everything else, when it comes to fucking, you're doing it wrong!
What would the world do without Oprah and her infinite wisdom? We'd be financially destitute, eating Franco American canned foods, scooting our butts across the floor for a thrill while wondering why our parents didn't love us enough; not to mention hoarding toilet paper and dead cats in our garage.
Oprah, I propose that we as a society, embark on a crazy experiment where the "average American woman" is allowed to carry on in existence without your influence. I think "she" can do it. I think she is clever enough to make heads and tails of this big bad world without having to be constantly reminded that she is not feeling enough, living enough, or doing it "right", if she is not hanging on to your every move.
Oprah, it's been a good run. It's time to pasture.