RE-POST FROM MAY FOR THE GREAT EXPERIMENT.

The Miraculous Ceiling Fan
Have you ever heard of Godwin's Law? Basically, it states that all forms of internet debate will eventually deteriorate into referencing Hilter and Nazi Germany. I have my own theory, The Confused Dildo's Supposition, which asseverates that any person talking about their relationship with their significant other will eventually focus on flatulence.

It's a reality that is grim, but one we must all face. The bright side of this is that farts are always funny.


My Little Honey (tm) is a wonderful man and I love him dearly. He is a brilliant urban planner, an incredibly talented musician and a wonderful father. He is also a stinky farter. His farts are just plain ridiculous.

A few months ago, I was so thrilled when he read that having too much soy in your diet could be unhealthy, for up to this point the man's snack of choice was edamame. I don't want to rain on my Little Honey's (tm) parade, but there was nothing worse than being in the same room with him after he downed a bowl of soybeans. It probably smells better living next door to a paper plant than being in the room with him..... I would rather not clean the litterbox for three days than having to smell him after soybeans. It's wretched and he is so proud, proving that for some, their farts can do no wrong. One day after the Little Honey blasted some air biscuits while watching the Bengals game, the neighbor came over, exclaimed "smells like toots in here", and hastily left.

They are that bad.

Last night, as I lay in bed dozing off to sleep with the cool night breeze coming in through the window, I could smell the wonderful scents of nature; lilacs, grass, pine, fresh rain. I conceded to the fragrant air as it began to carry me away from the doldrums of everyday life and transcend me into dreamland. I was floating on a white, puffy cloud until a hot, spoiled egg, with an under note of onion, gas creeped into my subconscious and violently hurled me back into reality. The Little Honey was busy creating a dutch oven that could overpower small children and it was starting to leak out from underneath the sheets in an effort to bring evil and darkness onto the Earth.

This gas smelled like the ugly, olive green that people used to decorate their kitchens with in the 1970's. This gas was staining the bed and with every move I made to escape it, it clobbered me back into submission. The Little Honey (tm) tried to play possum, a feat he failed miserably, as he lay there giggling like an idiot. When I started to gasp, choke, and complain he declared that he would fix this awful situation he created and jumped up to right the wrongs of his ways............. In other words, he turned on the ceiling fan.

A ceiling fan that is not made of artificial wooden vinyl, but crafted from golden and magic, with the force of seventy gazillion ocean breezes that can banish any loathsome, repulsive aromas into Siberia.

Not.

That odor lingered all night long. The gas was the Kato Kalin to my Brentwood manner, and it would not just fuck off and dissipate. The next morning, I had to change the sheets, stuff the comforter in the dryer with a scented sheet, and Febreeze bomb the mattress pad.

Yes.

This is the man who holds my heart and whom I am going to marry.

I'm a lucky gal.


If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, vote for me at TheGirlWho.Net's Great Experiment!

Getting to Know Me

Thursday, February 02, 2006
Four Things Category: Quiz/Survey
I stole this from www.dooce.com, a blog of a woman I don't know and her blogger friends that crack me up....Just slightly stalker-ish.
Four jobs I’ve had
1. Taco Bell Chilito maker. I lasted at this for about four hours. Then they had me take out the trash, so I did. Then, I got in my car and NEVER went back. I still have the uniform. For the memories.
2. Childrens' Rides Operator @ Paramounts Kings Island. This is where I learned that children are not the annoying problems, their parents are the annoying problems.
3. Landscape Maintenance Crew Lady for my mom's landscaping company. That was the first time I ever awoke for work at 5 am and the last. I also have never been asked out on more dates in my life and NO I am NOT bragging. This was around the time Billy Ray Cyrus was Achy Breaking my ear drums.
4. Cupboard Girl. Nothing like working at a Head Shop with the Bongs and Dongs. We got some really great obscene phone calls there. I also loved risking my life by pissing off crack dealers daily.
Four movies I can watch over and over
1.Sixteen Candles
2.Some Kind Of Wonderful
3. Better Off Dead
4. The Lord Of the Rings Triology.
Four places I have lived
1. London Ohio, on the farm where I wrestled guinea pigs, went craw dad fishing and drove a tractor by age eight. My parents were quite safety conscience.
2. Columbus Ohio in the Bexley Area. This where I learned to HATE bagels.
3. Cincinnati Ohio. Where the magic began.
4. Covington Kentucky. Where I really learned what ugly people looked like.
Four TV shows I love
1. Arrested Development (RIP)
2.Saturday Night Live
3. Taradise
4. Wife Swap.
Four places I’ve vacationed
1. Destin, Florida
2. Paris France
3. Hanalai Bay, Kuaui Hawaii
4. St. Simon's Island
Four of my favorite dishes
1. Salmon Sashimi
2. Dragon Rolls from TEAK
3. Thai Basil from Bangkok Bistro
4. Chicken Makhani from AMBAR!
Four sites I visit daily
1. MySpace
2. www.dooce.com
3. www.craigslist.org
4.www.bust.com
Four places I would rather be right now
1. Sitting on the banks of the Seinne with Hotbuns and some wine.
2. In a rowboat on the pond at Versailles with Hotbuns.
3. On the back deck of our house having a beach party with the Toddler Mayhem.
4. Nestled next to Hotbuns on the beach by the Pacific, staring at the ocean and Puff the magic dragon.