Thursday, December 21, 2006

Out Of My Way, Sister.

Since the early 1990's, this country has been in the grips of a coffee drink epidemic. I have never paid much mind to this, being the "all American girl" that I am. But as I become older, albeit, wiser, I am more conscious of our societal ills and ways to cure them.

I am not undertaking the battle of Starbucks vs. Independent Coffee Houses, I really could care less, plus Starbucks has good coffee. They never burn the beans, the espresso, or the milk, nor do they run too much water through their grounds. ( I AM LOOKING AT YOU, K-HOLE!) Also, being that I worked at one of the first, established coffee houses in my city, I know that this does not entitle me to act like a pretentious, twat, and give bad service to people I deem as "Yuppie Scum". (I AM LOOKING AT YOU, SITWELLS LESBIAN BARISTAS! DON'T MAKE ME TAKE OUT MY EARRINGS!)

The epidemic consists of the late teens, college, working, whatever girl, with the cheap, low rise, jeans, acrylic nails, and glitter encased cell phone. (Oh, you know who you are bitches) These ladies have watched one too many Jennifer Love Michelle Gellar Lohan Duff Hilton, movies and are now embarking on the world of coffee drinks, by way of the Frappucino, at 7:30 in the morning, much to my dismay.

Here is the deal, toots. You don't want coffee. You don't like coffee. You want people to perceive you have one ounce of intelluctual integrity, by way of carting around a to go coffee cup. What ruins this ruse for you, is when you plop down and start licking the whip cream off of the top of your drink. You look ridiculous, plus it is just bad manners. What you want, is a piece of chocolate cake, with a glass of milk. For the love of all that is holy, get out of my COFFEE line and hit the nearest bakery.

I need coffee. I especially need it at 7:30 am. I don't take coffee regular, i.e. two sugars and one cream ( oh the nostalgia that term stirs up for me. When coffee came in a bottomless pots, and sorority chicks stuck to diet coke, like GOD intended.) I drink it black. I like the taste, though I know it does not taste "good", that is not why I am fucking drinking it. I am drinking it for the buzz, the buzz that I need, so I don't chase these chicks out of the coffee shop and smack them silly. The buzz I need, so I don't see my first client, and proceed to tell them what a giant TURD I think they are and how they have a face only a mother can love. I NEED COFFEE FOR THE SAKE OF MY FELLOW MAN.

What I don't need, is to be stuck in line, behind you, having to hide behind sunglasses because the glare from your *giggle* OMG SPARKLE PHONE!!@!@, is blinding me, your cheap perfume is making me sick, while listening to your innane conersation that motivates me to move to the country, never ever to see another soul again. All of this, while you ask for a shot of mocha, a double shot of vanilla, a shot of caramel, extra whip and sprinkles, grande, DECAF frappucino. (Just typing that makes my blood pressure rise to dangerous numbers.)

Seriously, this is a problem of epidemic proportions, America. I believe the dye contained in fruppucino sprinkles has dumbed down the average, young, American intellect (not like it was high before!), making it socially acceptable to say "LOL" in real life conversations, for LaLohan movies to be critically acclaimed and for Paris Hilton to have some societal redeeming value. I believe this can all be traced back to the Frappucino, AKA, Public Enemy Number One.

Only we, the people, can curb this gross epidemic, plaguing our society. We must take action and not sit back idly, while these women keep polluting our coffee lines in the morning, on the way to their casting calls for "Blind Date" or "Flava of Love". We must knock them down when we see them coming, and stick a chocolate chip cookie in their mouth, while screaming "BEAT IT" in their make-up caked, faces! We must lure them away from away from the Starbucks with supplies of Diet Cokes and Three Musketeer Bars. IT MUST BE DONE.

It can be done.

You can help.

1 comment:

  1. Warming more hearts than a Ron Howard Movie. This girl writes and she drinks her coffee black. I dig it.