It's a Pillow! It's a Pet! It's So Fucking Hard to Get! ***this post contains many FUCKS and SHITS***

Holy Moses smell the roses! Since the day after Thanksgiving, I have been haunted by the stupidest cash-cow to ever catch the eye of millions of toddlers, tweens and in-betweens. Have you heard of them? PillowPets? It's a pillow AND a pet. I am going to warn you about that link. Make sure all family members under the age of twelve are not within earshot, lest you want to spend the next month listening to the child singing that song, ALL OF THE TIME.

ALL OF THE TIME. It's a pillow! It's a pet! IT'S A PILLOW PET! *stabby stabby*

Anyhoodle, I placed an order for a PillowPet, to be exact, THE PURPLE BUNNY PILLOW PET. Being an expert online shopper, (online shopping, the best invention since the vibrator) I was very careful to make sure the site was legitimate and not Nigerian. I went to my inbox an hour later, and there was no confirmation of my order. I didn't sweat it and instantly forgot about it for a week.

The following week, I was sitting at home when mine ears heard that familiar jingle which made me think "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FUCKING PILLOW PET, GODDAMMIT!" I logged into my inbox, and there was still no confirmation from the Pillow Pet people, which I found rather odd. I then went to the PillowPets official website where I had placed my order a week before and after a little research, it appeared that my order did not only NOT go through, but that all Pillow Pets were SOLD OUT.

SOLD THE FUCK OUT.

You could get the Pillow Pet Blanket, which was not a Pillow and a Pet, but a blanket made from what looked like highly flammable material affixed to a creepy head. "LOOK INTO MY CREEPY GOOGLE EYES WHILE I WRAP YOU IN MY LAYERS OF BURNING, LITTLE CHILD!"

No thanks.

I was feeling a little defeated, but then I remembered the good folks at places like Ebay and Amazon. A smile crept to my lips as I exclaimed, "OH THE CLEVERNESS OF ME!" typing in the url. My exultation was severely limited when I discovered that, yes, both sites had Pillow Pets for sale............. For $199.99.

*sidebar: If you are an asshole who possesses a crystal ball that can look into the future to determine which piece of crap is going to be the next fortune maker for the following Christmas and then goes and buys every last one to sell for a profit of $150; Hit me up. I want in.*

I could not believe it, as I pounded my desk and grabbed the phone.

" Little Honey?"

" Yes, Kate."

"My Pillow Pet order did not go through."

"Why not?"

"I have no fucking clue, but now I cannot find them anywhere except for Ebay and Amazon and those Cretans are charging TWO HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS for the pieces of shit! $200! CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE IT?"

"Oh well."

"THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ME?"

"Well, what do you want me to say?"

*click*

Clearly, he was not as emotionally invested in acquiring a Pillow Pet as I was.

I became a woman obsessed. My deadlines were pushed back and I had both assistants on the case.

YOUR MISSION, IF YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT, WHICH YOU HAVE TO SINCE I AM THE BOSS *natch*; IS TO FIND A PILLOW PET FOR UNDER $50.

An hour later, thanks to Wacky Planet, we were able to locate a cow PILLOW PET, not CUSHION CUTIE, or Padding Pup, or Bolster Buddy.... an honest to Betsy PILLOW PET for $36 after shipping! FUCKING A, MAN! VICTORY!

I felt so proud and accomplished.

I was certain that I had won Christmas, as I shouted, "SCREW YOU EBAY", while jumping up and down. Not to be fooled again, I headed directly to my inbox, where, BEHOLD! The confirmation letter was waiting for me as patiently as a pup waits for their master to come home. I read the confirmation and was assured that my recent PILLOW PET purchase would ship within the next three to five business days. Glorious, VICTORIOUS.


Another week of deadlines, duties, and doldrums went by and not a word from my local UPS man or a package from Wacky Planet....... What was the fucking deal? I went to the Wacky Planet website and called customer service, (yes, they make you call) and left a message inquiring about my order, (YES they make you leave a message on an answering machine.... Hey Wacky Planet! 1988 called, they want their customer service back).

A few minutes, I received a message in my inbox entitled "Your order is on backorder".

DAMMIT!

I opened the message to see just how long I was going to have to wait to receive the most coveted piece of crap of the Christmas Season, when I noticed something peculiar. The order had my name, billing and shipping information, but there was something different. It was for a Bunny, not a Cow, from the Pillow Pet People and not Wacky Planet....

What the fuck?

So, apparently my original order did go through and was being processed. Apparently, the latest shipment of Pillow Pets was stuck at customs, but rest assured, would arrive in time for the Holiday season.

Within the three minutes it took me to read that message and figure out just what the hell was going on, I received another email.

From Wacky Planet that was titled; "Your order is on backorder".

What to do, what to do? Do I just buy two and have one to spare that I can hold ransom for millions of dollars on Amazon? Or do I cancel one of the orders, therefore freeing up one coveted Pillow Pet for acquisition for someone as desperate as myself?

I decided to cancel the Cow since I had originally intended on purchasing THE PURPLE BUNNY and it was also $12 cheaper. Now when that familiar, nefarious jingle escaped from the lips of my family members, or from the commercial on television, I felt completely relaxed instead of stressed and weary.

All was right with the world when three days later I received notice that my PILLOW PET was shipping out in the next three to five business days! HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH!
It was indeed, a Christmas miracle. As I read the order slip, something caught my eye.

Items Ordered:
QTY PRODUCT ORDERED UNIT PRICE PRICE
1 LADY BUG $19.95 $19.95

WTF??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?

Somehow, the invoice that stated I ordered the PURPLE BUNNY a week or so beforehand, had now mysteriously morphed into a fucking LADYBUG.

That's not even a mammal for Xenu's sake!

What ever. On Christmas morning I plan to sip my coffee, scowl and sneer, "YOU GET WHAT YOU GET AND YOU DON'T THROW A FIT" when questioned about the fucking LADYBUG.


Have a crappy Christmas everyone!