Monday's List. Ways to Keep It Cool During a Heat Emergency.

Well, summah has hit the Queen City, and one of our traditions that is more pervasive than BBQs, swimming pools and domestic violence, is a heat index emergency. A heat emergency is when it is so ridiculously hot outside, everything looks like you didn't quite get all of the sand out of your eyes that morning and the local weather people have something to blather on about for more than their intended five minutes. Oh, and it is so fucking hot outside, it's hard to breath!

Heat emergencies are not awesome, but here are some ways to stay cool and remain awesome, whilst sweating your ballzacks off.

*. Thumbs up. The Fonz was always the picture of calm, cool and collected, because his opposable didgits were always pointed sky high, giving much respect due to JC. Cool is a state of mind. Thumbs Up not only says to the public at large that you are one suave m-effer, but Thumbs Up will distract your mind from the pits stains forming in the underarm area of your Ed Hardy T-Shirt.

*. This hat. If there is a culture of cool in the world, it is definitely the Japanese! They gave us Godzilla, karaoke and excessive bowing while shaking hands! COOL!

*. Keep America working while instilling the importance of a good work ethic in our youth, by hiring a neighborhood kid to follow you around, fanning you! This is a great way for the youth of today to learn about financial independence, and for you to not only stay cool, but look very important. Don't worry about minimum wage, this is a recession. Tell the kid that being paid in good vibes and positive reinforcement, on top of their dollar a day, is an experience that is PRICELESS.

*. Birthday Suit. During times of extreme weather and public duress, the traditional values of society get thrown to the wind and our mores become more flexible. There is no better time for walking around, nude. Your neighbors won't care. It's HOT! They understand. Go ahead, take it off.

*. Ice-pack underpants. These guys will not only keep you cool, but they will also give you a terrific tingling sensation in your nether areas. Don't worry about melting. People will either think your crotch is sweating like a Samoan in a sauna, or that you pissed yourself. No biggie!

This is a short list for today, because I need to get myself into a canoe.

Stay cool!