Friday, July 23, 2010

OUTTAKES: Them Kids Is Alright

Do you remember the Epilday? They coined it as a "hair removal system" when in reality, it was a device manufactured by the Dark Lord to torture women. It was in essence, a rotating spring that ripped hair out of your legs. YES! And because the healing process takes more than a few days, it kept hair from growing back longer than shaving.

Did you know that you should not use an Epilady to shave your head? Of course you did! It was inherent! Or so one would think.

Not only was I an asshole of epic proportions when I was a teenager, I was also an idiot.

My best friend's older sister was gifted an Epilady for Christmas in 1989 and had declared it unusable because it hurt so bad, yanking out all of the little hairs on your body. My friend and I, under the guise of our self declared "badassery", decided her older sister was a wuss and that the Epilady was no match for our skulls of steel. I went first, of course.

At this time in my life, I was sporting a lovely and sophisticated hair-don't I like to refer to as the "Sumo". On the crown of my head, my hair was all one length to my chin, and underneath the entire perimeter of my head was shaved. This was a hairstyle that I could pull into a ponytail at school, so the public at Kings Junior High could appreciate how fucking hardcore I was, and then at home, I could wear it down in order to suppress the hysterical "YOU LOOK SO UGLY!" sobs emanating from my mother. It was a fetching 'do.

The allure of having a piece of equipment that could not only do the job of the pink, Lady Bic I used to keep the coif in check, but could also keep the sides of my head as bald as a baby's butt for almost a month, was too tempting to resist. According to the directions, the Epilady would work best on hair that was no longer than half an inch long. My friend and I prepped my head by trimming my 8'o'clock skull shadow as close to my scalp as possible.

We were then ready to Epilady my head. The excitement in the air was palpable.

My friend plugged the device into the wall and hit the "On" switch. The hair removing coils started to spin, as she gently leaned my head to the left, because the right side is always first. As the coils of terror made their landing upon my scalp, it felt as if a thousand teeny, tiny, devil babies were grasping the infinitesimal patch of hair as if their lives depended on it! There was a loud "EEEENNNNNNNZZZZZEEEEE" sound as the coils halted their rotation, due to fact that they had already grabbed all of the hair they were going to get and were now working on scalping me like Custer at the Last Stand. I yelped out like the little bitch I was and screamed at my friend to "TUNR THE FUCKING THING OFF!" As she stood there dazed and amazed, she came to and finally yanked the plug out of the wall as I was dancing a jig of pain.

It wasn't over yet.

That fucking thing was caught in my hair. It took 30 minutes to free my hair (which it did NOT pull out at all) and scalp from that device of pain. I finally was freed and realized that the Epilady was not just a hair removal system, but the spirit of a really pissed off Native American, who wanted my DAR legacy scalp on their fucking wall.

How I survived my teens is completely beyond me, as this is not even CLOSE to the stupidest thing I have ever done.

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