This weekend I had the honor of serving one of my very best friends as her Maid of Honor during her wedding. She and her husband are Eastern Russian Orthodox, in fact, he is about to be ordained as a Priest in the Church. So, this wedding wasn't your typical, "show up hungover and do cute, choreographed dances down the aisle". They take their ceremonies very seriously and thoughtfully.
A PERFECT PLACE FOR A SOUL-LESS ASSHOLE LIKE MYSELF! What could go wrong? I was actually not the rotten apple of the bunch, which, small miracles, you know? However, as with any wedding, hijinks did ensue.
Ways to Make Everything Sufficiently Awkward at a Russian Orthodox Wedding.
09. Start to exclaim "JESUS CHRIST" only to choke out "JESIMINEY CRICKETS!"
08. Ask who that little man in the arms of that giant woman is.
07. Sing along with the priest, adding harmony, random "A-MENS!" and "SPEAK IT!"
06. Trip down the aisle, so everyone gets a good look at your BVDs.
05. Because you're holding a bouquet and a candle, the only way to keep your hair from falling into your eyes is by blowing it.... But when you do that, it's loud. And awkward.
04. Mess up the cake on the drive to the wedding.
03. Try to convince the bride that the cake doesn't look "that bad."
02. Open the door to the bride's dressing room without knocking, because you know what the bride wants more on her wedding day? For a bunch of Russian Orthodox Church people seeing her in her skivvies.
01. Begin a toast to the bride and groom by mentioning how jealous the groom's ex is! (I DID NOT DO THIS!)